As most people that use the Internet, I watch a lot YouTubers. And, again, like most people who watch YouTubers, I’d like to be one. I’ve been thinking about making videos of my own for years now, ever since I first started watching channels on the regular back in 2009, but I always manage to talk myself out of it. Either, I don’t have the money to buy a nice camera, or I’m too busy, or I’m not pretty/interesting/engaging enough; regardless of what the excuse is, it’s always there. Also, I’m a perfectionist, so I can’t bear even thinking about putting up a video where I stammer, or a video that doesn’t have flawless lighting, or a video where I don’t look my absolute best.
But, still, I always think about it. I started this blog because I thought that it was close enough, similar enough, to making videos that I would stop thinking about it. Turns out, I didn’t. This blog has almost made it worse, because now I know that I don’t even have a following on here, where no one can see my face, how would I get a following on YouTube?
I would love to just buy a nice camera and start making videos, but even if I did have the money (which I don’t because: tuition) I don’t think I have the courage, or the stories. The YouTubers that I watch are beautiful, interesting, or hilarious (most of the time, they’re all three) and I am none of those things. I couldn’t be a YouTuber any more than I could be a model or a rocket scientist – not that they have similar job descriptions, but you know what I mean. I’m not qualified.
And isn’t that a funny thing to say, I’m not qualified to make videos and put them on the Internet. The Internet is supposed to be a shared place of community and free will, and yet only some people are (or feel) qualified to take an active, participatory role in it. And, to some degree, that is true. There are, I’m sure, hundreds of inactive channels on YouTube with under 100 views because someone tried for awhile, and found that no one was listening, so they let abandoned it, and let it collect dust. Those people were deemed, by Internet users, to be not worth their time.
I feel that that’s what I’m most scared of. That a small group of people will watch something I make, and decide that it’s not worth their time.